dear readers,
i resist the scroll and thus i come to you. i had been scrolling for an embarrassingly long time, until i reached a post in pinterest that said “i blog therefore i am”. after saving it to my voluptuous ‘2026 vision board’, i take its advice and return to the origin: the blog. i’ve been feeling bad about how long it’s been since my last blog post, but i have never once committed to consistency here and would much rather it remain the reflective, pressure-free void that i love it for being. so in addition to the scroll, i resist the shame and compulsion to be productive.
i don’t have anything in particular that i want to blog about today, but i find that some of my best writing comes in these moments. i am reminded of a recent conversation i had with my (millennial) boss and my (gen z) coworker. we were researching software and tools for our project- scanners, microphones, website domains. we got talking about instagram and facebook, myspace and pinterest. i mentioned that i blog, and my boss was tickled by the fact that i used blogspot. she didn’t say whether or not she ever had a blog, but i’m determined to find it. ever since my origins on myspace, i have been devoted to The Blog. a few i have found recently that i have been enjoying are Let’s Begin Nails, Through the Arts and Beauty, web design museum (admittedly less of a blog), just seeds blog, and more i hope to explore and share soon. one day i’ll throw out more of my niche internet finds, but that will be a list for a later date.
in other news, a few weeks ago, i went on a horse trail ride in the sandy hills of monterey to celebrate my one year anniversary with axelle. i had been in contact with the owner of the riding service, saved as “steve horse guy” in my contacts, for a few weeks and we had arranged for this rural rendezvous. he was australian (from “the bush”) and quite spirited about biodynamic agriculture (we learned this after he asked us what we both study). it was a really wonderful experience, even though my horse (snowflake) and axelle’s horse (sally) seemed to have beef. i’ll include some photos here:
in other news, i am dreaming of the future and i am contemplating minimalism. i don’t know if it’s for me, but i’ve been exploring and trying not to limit myself. i’ll elaborate on this more in an upcoming post about my parasocial relationship with someone who embodies a lot the style and traits i’m pondering. i had a recent conversation with a friend about what i call my identity crisis, which is more just me feeling like i need to explore myself more. i feel conflicted because i have visions of who i could be; the style i could have and the music i could listen to, but i don’t think it comes naturally. does that mean i should give up on these dreams? should i give up on art as a serious hobby, seeing as i have more pressing career options? i’m considering getting colored eyelash extensions or dying my hair again, but i feel like i also need to explore this through art. i have many new projects in the works and in mind, and i’m excited to share them.
a lot of this is related to my last post. i wrote it when i was in boston and pretty sad, as boston often makes me. this is not to mention i was coming off what was probably the worst quarter of my college career to date. i think it’ll take a long time before boston doesn’t make me sad. i’ll need to be secure in myself, otherwise it'll always scramble my brain. a lot of that post doesn’t reflect my day to day feelings. i feel very content and usually very stimulated. i do love what i study, and i’m happy to be back doing what i care about. i do need to create more art, and i remain open to dreaming about lives in other cities. but i try not to let myself be consumed by realities that aren’t mine. i have such an active imagination that it becomes difficult to pull myself out of a delusion that isn’t real. chicago isn’t real, at least not yet.
even harder is pulling myself out of a delusion about who i am. who i would be if i had moved there or to new york city isn’t real, at least not yet. i’ve always heard “your true self is who you are when no one is watching”. if so, i might have some problems with who i am. but then again, most of those problems come from the fact that i’m not who i think i should be. i’m tender and corny, not cool and esoteric. i remind myself that my fantasies don’t accurately summarize who i would be in those lifetimes, and it’s unhealthy to try to live there. what i might need to accept is that i am tender and corny in every lifetime, regardless of how much cool art i make, or how stylish i dress, how many tattoos i get or what color i paint my nails. i am conflicted, i am pondering and exploring. but i have a long life, and i’m choosing to be excited rather than jealous or scared. i’m going to trust in my own ability to make meaning, and to find my true self.
as a final parting gift, i wanted to share a serendipity i witnessed the other day. i saw a girl with a very visible shoulder/chest tattoo that said “continue”. about 2-3 hours later on the bus, i saw a girl holding a book with a completely plain blue cover, looking like a book of poetry. the only word on it was “continue”. the signs are everywhere, if you open your mind and heart.
in love and tenderness,
- ek
p.s., sometimes you just have to stop whatever intellectual brainrot you’ve been grinding on for hours, and just look at pictures of birds online for a few minutes. sometimes i feel like a man who has to sulk away to the office bathroom to look at titty pics or something, but for me its hummingbirds or doves. be well loves
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