dear readers,
a short post tonight (i promise). i haven’t uploaded much this month, not that i worry myself about my posting frequency (as i truly see this diary blog as The Void), so i wanted to share this poem i wrote while i was drunk the other night and waiting for my bus. this night was the birthday party of an old class friend, who i connected with but never really spent time with outside of our allotted hour, monday wednesday and friday. i had run into her on the bus (everything in my life revolves around buses) a few days earlier and lovingly received the invite, despite our tentative friendliness. axelle couldn’t go, and the one mutual friend me and the birthday girl shared couldn’t go, so i dared to go alone. i couldn’t think of a party i went to alone since the age when i was single, over a year ago. i challenged myself to be talkative and try to maximize my “npc” interactions.
as a bit of a side note, i have mixed feelings about the perception of strangers as npcs, because i genuinely believe that everyone is complicated and immense, and i’m honestly a little obsessed with learning the details of these “npc’s” lives. what words they can’t pronounce, what their childhood toy was, their relationship with their mom, their dreams. this being said, i like labeling people as npcs because it challenges me to engage with them to shatter the illusion. it pushes me out of my petrifying shyness to learn these things about people. a party full of strangers is the absolute best place to do this. low stakes, high concentration of people who’s complexities i have yet to discover. the most fun place of social observation, analysis, and engagement. especially when everyone is a little tipsy, people tend to get deep and honest. weird questions aren’t as weird anymore. i mention this in the poem, about discovering clues to people’s destinies and dreams.
i had a ton of fun at this party because i truly took advantage of the situation to maximize my interactions. in the words of some Internet people, i was seeking out little side quests, interacting with the npcs to learn more about them and my world. in hindsight i regret the moments i spent awkwardly against the wall- a powerful reminder that regret is omnipresent no matter the actions, but it was a vast improvement from my usual level of avoidance. i feel motivated and moved by this experience. it’s harder in situations where i know people and the social stakes feel higher, but i feel as though i have already started implementing more of this mindset and practice into my days since the party.
for context i should specify that it was Rio themed, so everyone was dressed up as birds or characters from the movie. i had painted a little cardboard hat like a bottle cap, which i reference. i have cleared up a few lines for legibility but more or less kept everything the same. it’s unknown whether or not these people remember me, or the conversations we shared (or the game of truth or dare we played), but i hope you enjoy this poem.
[written approx. 11:45pm, april 17]
drunk and I feel like the bus I’m going to take home was divinely chosen for me between the sea of other buses. I feel spiritually connected to this bus and it’s inevitable driver.
drunk and alone had a party
Asking the girl McKenzie in the kitchen if she knows about divine machinery
Asking what her dreams are she says child psychology
Then she answers that she wants to write a book
She needs time to think about it
I ask if it will be a novel
She says it will be sci-fi
I recommend her Set my heart on fire
The boy plays guitar to stim
And we dare him to confidently pretend he knows a stranger
Audrey and Amelia have been together for four and a half years
i talk with zoe and dhalia about dykehood while waiting for the bathroom
daddy yankee is younger than i thought he was
so many lesbians at this party
and everyone loves the bottle cap hat, the paint still on my fingers
i ask people their names knowing i won’t remember,
and that i probably won’t ever see their faces again
but because it’ll give me some drunk insight into the destinies assigned to them
and i pass them drinks
in love and drunken bliss,
- ek
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