hello readers, i am currently a little buzzed in my room and eating a teriyaki chicken poke bowl from safeway. i have been watching hitomi mochuzuki all night like she is ram dass, and i am having a lot of thoughts that i would like to share with you. the above photo is unrelated, but one of my favorite images in the world.
1. frienship
i’m having a lot of trouble these days with friendship. i have many acquaintances, many friend crushes, and a few close deep friendships, but i feel like something is missing. whenever i’m among acquaintances, i emphasize other acquaintances to appear like i have a real social network. it’s not for lack of vision or effort (maybe); i have clear intentions and dreams for what i want in friendships. it’s not even necessarily that i think those kinds of people don’t exist around me. i just feel disconnected, like there’s a language barrier. for many years i have felt paralyzed by anxiety and difficulty making friends. in high school, it was easier because it had so much structure and proximity. the people who became my friends were the people i had class with every day. in college, there’s more pressure and more complexity, and i’ve been struggling a lot with making friends.
however, i think i need to change my approach. i need to put more effort into the friendships i have now to deepen the level of intimacy. i need to truly tap into what about myself i love, what parts make a good friend, and what i can improve on. i need to make more of an effort to reach out to people and admit my love for them. i need to put myself out there more, going to more events, doing things that put me out of my comfort zone and let me be courageous. i need to be more present as a friend to myself, and be more intentional about alone time and self care. i need to connect more with my family and friends abroad. as always, my visions guide me towards change, so i learn from hitomi in the meantime and anticipate movement on this soon.
2. powerlines
i have recently become completely enraptured with powerlines. transmission towers, to be exact. there are many different shapes and kinds of towers (also called pylons), but i think they are among the most beautiful creatures on the face of the earth. i have decided that i want to get three transmission towers tattooed along on my side. they remind me of angels, a feat of human innovation and connection. they supply us with the ability to live and connect with each other. they are the phone operator, the blind-date-facilitator, the illuminator, the protector. for years they have been the gentle giants that quietly hum in the background of all my memories, that sing me to sleep and guard me from danger. they nurture me, while reminding me of my smallness, for they are so big and their footsteps so long. it helps that they look like angels, wings spread and hands open, even having an “eye” on top.
i will always remember the power lines near the summer camp i grew up attending. every summer night was spent under the patient and watchful eye of the transmission towers as they sat peacefully in their linear meadows. they stretch the sky and bend the horizon- omnipresent throughout my childhood.
tomorrow i am on a pilgrimage to the transmission towers in the santa cruz hills. i want to photograph and draw them in preparation for linocut i plan to make, which i hope to one day get tattooed (inspiration picture posted above). i have an ethos about tattooing that i must wait at least a year before getting a certain idea tattooed, to give me time to test the longevity of my love for it. many have failed the test of time, and i keep track of which other ones i’m still invested in. i’m only a few weeks into wanting a transmission tower tattoo, but i’ll keep you updated if it happens. regardless of the tattoo, i may end up posting some transmission tower drawings soon.
3. (godly) visions
when i think about transmission towers, i think of angels, and when i think of angels i think of god. the boy sitting next to me on the bus a few days ago was clearly on the same page as me. when i looked over at him, he was balancing his computer on his knee, flipping through tabs. first it was a wikipedia page on progress theology, then on monasticism, then the high church, and finally a page on presbyterian polity. i’ve linked the pages here so you can get a sense of his vibe. somewhere between those articles, he was listening to the james bond theme on youtube.
i felt like i had seen something i shouldn’t have, not because i was creeping over his shoulder but because it felt like something divine. the kid only looked about 13 years old, but was reading about god on wikipedia on the bus. it felt a lot like i was in a simulation, or that i was witnessing enlightenment or one of those The-universe-is-self-aware moments. maybe i see god in too much- in the buses, in wikipedia, in a curious young boy. i can’t quite explain it, but this moment has impacted me profoundly. i have many other visions beyond friends, powerlines, or divine wikipedia pages, but i’ll leave those to come.
in love and friendship,
ek
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photo credit in order: tumblr, my photo from philly magic gardens, efrem oshinsky on flikr, various pinterest sources
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